My French Healthcare Nightmare

Here's my FRENCH SOCIALIZED MEDICINE experience.

Before moving to France we believed socialized medicine to be a great idea. After all we enjoyed libraries, post offices, and public schools. WHY NOT PUBLIC HEALTHCARE!? It seemed like a natural, logical thing. Why shouldn't tax dollars fund the health and well being of it's tax payers. American healthcare IS severely over priced. Big Pharma gets away with murder for what they charge. Being that it is people's lives on the line if they can't pay, it's literal murder. This is what we thought. We moved to France in 2014. At first we LOVED French medicine. We were prescribed homeopathy and essential oils. WOW! We soon realized it was the government being cheap rather than some benevolent desire to be natural. Snake oil remedies that weren't very effective were often given. Although, I now know lavender can heal everything. It's magic, truly. BUT in the US this was exactly the kind of thing I'd do when I couldn't afford to go to a doctor for "real" medicine. The only difference is now it's government sanctioned home remedies. We moved to a different town closer to Paris after a couple years in the DEEP French countryside of Champagne. We went to try and establish a new primary care doctor only to quickly be told there aren't any. "Wait, what? As in NO doctor in this entire town will take us as patients? What about the next town over? Not them either? And the town after that? No one there too? Ok where then?" The answer was down the highway 45 minutes away, many many towns over. We got our family on the books and then that doctor closed his books and would no longer take new patients. "PHEW!" Close one! Glad we slid in at the last second. This doctor with more patients than he could handle who was our primary care giver, also HAD to do laser hair removal on the side to pay the rent and bills for his practice. BONUS! I got laser hair removal in addition to check ups! Of course The healthcare system didn't pay for that. Which is WHY it was actually lucrative for him. During our sojourn in France I had a car accident and a couple of surgeries. The operating rooms were nice and what you would find in any American hospital. But the rest of the building was a different story. Crumbling, dirty, broken, lacking equipment, broken elevators. NO AIR CONDITIONING. Try being in a car accident in the summer in France and being tied to a hospital bed in a stained gown ("What WAS that brown blob I wonder?"), IVs running everywhere, neck brace, 100 degrees, stuffy closed room and no AC. It's lots of fun! Private rooms you ask???? LOL!!!!!! You are SO funny! It was weeks and sometimes MONTHS out to get appointments. So when one of my kids got sick we'd have to go to the dreaded "wait and see" hours that would be made available. Once I went to the building in our town that did this. The number you called to tell them you were coming in was a call service. There was no reception, no nurses, just a doctor in a back room with a stethoscope and a thermometer. Folding chairs lined the walls of an all white Soviet looking building. But good luck getting a chair, it was standing room only. Too bad I didn't smoke. It would have been nice to have an excuse to stand outside. We left and went to the only other option, an ER room. Surely that would be better. It was but not by much. Aside from the mold and peeling wall paper I was particularly impressed by the fact that dust bunnies under the chairs had actually formed Tumble weed type formations! It was like witnessing dust bunny evolution! Truly a sight to behold. This would always result in being given Tylenol and being told to come back if my child got worse. 6 hours well spent! Seriously why did I even bother! Dental care was a joke. In all of our 6 years we never once received a cleaning or any "preventative" care. It was considered to be cosmetic. When my children had cavities French "suck it up" medicine came into play. Tylenol for pain, antibiotics once it turned into an abscess, and then lets pull the tooth. I felt like I was in some Western where the cowboy missing half his teeth goes to the town dentist with pliers who yanks out another. At least the pliers were sterile and the dentist wore a white coat. That makes it all better right? OF COURSE WHY COMPLAIN IT WAS ALL FREE RIGHT???? WRONG!!! So let's talk about the cost of all of this FABULOUS care. Our taxes increased DRAMATICALLY. Doing the math we quickly realized that we had paid LESS paying normal American taxes PLUS insurance than what we were now paying out to the French government for this "FREE" health care. We lost $2,000 a month in NET income. So we were now paying MORE FOR LESS. Less quality, less choices, and less care. But hey at least it paid 100% right???? WRONG AGAIN!!! The Government did NOT pick up 100% of our bill. Not at all. In fact health insurance is a thing in France to pick up the leftover sum that you would be billed for otherwise. The insurance is called a "mutuelle" and is provided by your employer, same as in the US. So after that comes into play THEN it's paid for 100%, right????? NO!!! NOT AT ALL!!! After my surgeries carte vitale paid their portion, our TWO mutuelles paid there portions, and THEN I still got billed. I paid a couple of thousand euros still in hospital bills AFTER socialized medicine and AFTER the insurance. SO WHAT WAS I PAYING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!! What were all those taxes for!!!! To line the pockets of French government workers, pay for strikers not to work who crippled the cities, pay for all the refugees flooding in setting up tents all over the cities, pay for highways with very few services. If only it paid someone to clean up all the DOG SHIT that was left everywhere by entitled people coddled by an expensive over inflated government. So all of that was horrible yet I still love France and I love the French. I loved living there and seeing the gorgeous architecture and history. I loved the seasons. Springtime is the BEST. Paris is my #2 favorite city. I love the culture. No one can find fault with French wine or bread. I love being bilingual. The language is beautiful and it's really fun for me to speak it when I get the chance to. But I want CAPITALISM BACK. I want to keep my $24,000 a year and go to hospitals and doctors that are NICE, clean, and have appointments available. I want to have the ABILITY to go get a second opinion and not wait months for that other appointment. We only moved back to the US a month ago as of writing this. We've started getting the kids in to dentists and pediatricians for pre-back to school well visits. My kids are in culture shock by how "nice" and "clean" and "friendly" these places are. Doctors offices with murals, TVs and toys! Friendly kind staff. And a LOT of staff. Not one guy in a room and MAYBE a lady at a desk IF HE'S LUCKY. Welcome back to Capitalism kids! Sorry for your parents naive social experiment.

So if you are reading this and you STILL believe in Universal healthcare let me ask you something. Do you LOVE and trust your government? Do you think your government spends YOUR money wisely? Do you TRUST your government to make life and death decisions about you and your family's well being? Do you TRUST your government to put your health needs above their own agendas? If you answered NO to any of these questions, you need to re-evaluate your stance. American Healthcare is FAR from perfect. Reforms should be made. However, I have now lived a significant amount of time in both systems and I have no more doubts to which is the better of the two.

YWAM NIKO Urban Paris

The TLDR is this, we made our YWAM DTS students homeless on the streets of Paris for 3 days.


In telling you all this I am breaking my "vow" to never share what happens in a NIKO camp. Ridiculous. I say "YWAM" but technically this was facilitated through "Kings Kids," a sister organization to YWAM. Whatever the case, this was standard for all of our DTSes, including a Crossroads DTS that had elderly students.

I participated 2x as staff and it's one of my biggest regrets, that I was so brainwashed I not only felt this was acceptable but actually beneficial for my students. We begin by telling them to only bring their Bible, good shoes, and warm clothes. The whole thing is shrouded in secrecy. People asking for further information are shut down. We take away all of their money, cell phones, and identification.

We show up to a basement, cave, in Paris and have prayer and worship. They are given the "choice" to participate. It isn't really a "choice" as they risk expulsion for not participating. A line is drawn and they are asked to cross it if they are to continue. This is hideous because absolutely NO ONE knows what it is they are agreeing to. They are given plastic shopping bags from a very low priced French grocery store and told to put everything they will "need" into the bags. Many will soon regret putting anything in the bags at all. Also don't forget we have all of their money, communications and identity and won't let them have it.

Then we take them into a park as it gets late in a very bad neighborhood of Paris, and play team building games while drunks and drug dealers cheer us on. They are told to get everything they will need to sleep. With no further explanation. People scatter into the streets gathering cardboard, trash, once they even found an abandoned mattress. After this we take them to an abandoned railroad track near a bridge where they all sleep for the night. After some time we give them army issue sleeping bags. "See guys we will take care of you, trust us." No one believes this is really happening. Anger and tears all around as we go off for a staff meeting. It's Fall so its rainy and around 36-40 degrees. No one really sleeps well.

The next day they are marched through the city with various spurts of running and the Paris monuments are pointed out. Often this is their first view of Paris but no one can take a photo or enjoy it. Again no explanation is given as to what or why this is happening. The staff call it the death march. It's 26 miles (42km), the length of a marathon. Remember they are operating on a few hours of sleep after sleeping outside in the cold rain the night before. If at ANY POINT a student were to get lost or fall behind, they would be alone in one of the largest cities in the world with no money, phone, or identification, in a language they don't know. So the motivation is strong to keep up with the in-shape staff member running ahead of them. It takes all day even up until midnight and beyond.

Those grocery bags with their belongings are like torture devices at this point and gradually begin to tear a part and items are discarded. The students suffer because they aren't prepared whereas the staff have been working out for months to get ready for this one day. Many former students still suffer from this. One girl lost her toenails, they never grew back right. Another has continuous pain in her knees. They failed to obey the "bring good shoes" rule. So it's "their fault." That night to everyone's delight they sleep in the cave. Paris caves are little better than the outside, moldy and cold. But at least everyone feels safer.

The next day we have a rigged lottery where staff draw "Bs" and students draw "As" out of a hat. The Bs get a lavish french breakfast and the As eat stale baguette (rock hard) out of a trash bag with water. This is to illustrate unfair privilege. Later that day we take them to a notorious train station to "talk" to people. Homeless people and drug dealers. Extremely dangerous. For lunch they have to panhandle in an outdoor market and aren't allowed to tell the people why or what they are doing. Just that they need food for lunch and have no money. Sometimes they're given discarded food, sometimes money. Often they are berated by angry tourists for being penniless Americans in Paris. Because they can't speak French they have to beg in pantomime or ask tourists. Whatever they gather together is what they have to eat. If they didn't think to get cutlery, napkins, plates, a can opener, to bad.

That night we feed them spaghetti. The next morning it's stale baguette again and they are taken into an abandoned railway tunnel where you can not see anything and asked to run through it on "faith." In the tunnel with us are homeless people and others doing drugs. Many fall and get injured. Then they have to scale a 20 foot fence. Or go back through the tunnel. Of course many fail and have to go back through the mile long pitch black tunnel. Once they got lucky and the fence had a whole in it. Then we debrief. Any complaints are met with stern beratement from the staff about them not appreciating this valuable lesson. Of course those who think it was all wonderful are highly praised.

We take them for showers. Everyone is SO EXCITED until they realize they are showering in a homeless shelter with other homeless men and women. Again lots of confusion as to why 18-22 year old Americans are showering with French homeless people. It's done and everyone is taken to Chinese food for "graduation." They are given diplomas and attaboys. Told they are to swear an oath to never tell anyone about NIKO, even their families. Then we take them back to the base.




It's all so insidious and it still happens every year. Here is their most recent. Just a couple of months ago.

I had former students review this for accuracy. To my horror, even those that enjoyed this event, thought of worse things that I had forgotten, now added. Sadly they all agreed, even those positive about it, that I did not exaggerate on any point. It's important to note that I genuinely believe the staff from King's Kids who run this event are lovely wonderful people who truly, in their heart of hearts, feel that this a very beneficial training.

Why YWAM is a Cult, let me count the ways. By Autumn Springer former YWAMer.

Calling something a cult is a big deal! You need to back up that statement with some solid reasoning. My time in YWAM has led me to this conclusion. I don't even begin to touch on how their schools are a sort of multi-level marketing scheme. Nor will I get into all of the many flawed doctrinal issues. Let's just stick to the basics.

In this list I am addressing a list of cult attributes that were publicly posted on a site called "Cultish." This list is worth reviewing as there are multiple churches and ministries that do some of the things on this list. To be sure any entity where ANY of these things are present is a place ripe for Spiritual Abuse. Sadly I saw all of these during my time in YWAM.

While I have to admit that perhaps not EVERY Youth With A Mission missionary base will do all of these, there is a prevalent culture within the organization that lends itself to these characteristics and makes the chance for abuse highly likely. Even if a base is mostly "good", a change in leadership could turn it bad overnight.



1. Isolation: YWAM will discourage students and staff from outside intervention of concerned family and friends who begin to become alarmed at seeing their friends and family abandoning previous dreams and goals for the sake of “giving all” to being involved and absorbed into YWAM.

2. Love Bombing: YWAM creates an extremely tight-nit community of staff all living together communally as a “family.” I’ve often heard YWAMers say that YWAM is their “tribe.” To speak out against or leave this family creates a sense of anxiety. Similarly those who do leave miss the intensity of this connection and when they fail to find it else where, rather than seeing the connection as unhealthy, they see every other community as falling short of this extreme and are in a constant state of dissatisfaction. This happens even within their natural families.

3. Identity Replacement: You become a “YWAMer.” This identity supersedes all others, marriage, children, and extended family included. Your loyalty and self worth become more and more rooted in this, that you are first and foremost, “a YWAMer.” This is justified as “Seek ye first...” but the kingdom is YWAM not heaven.

4. Rapid-fire teaching: Questioning of teachers and YWAM gods, such as Loren Cunningham, is blasphemous and utter rebellion. I’ve witnessed multiple staff and students facing expulsion from the group for bringing up valid Biblically based concerns over core YWAM teaching and practices.

5. Fear and Intimidation over leaving: Oh my! This is SO prevalent I don’t honestly know where to begin. I will try to sum it up in brief but this could be its own blog. Fear over your visa and living situation, you are tied hand and foot to the base. If you are asked to leave you are stranded in a foreign country with no other support system other than the YWAM base. You are told that you are either falling away or abandoning your calling and purpose in life. Nobody wants that! You’ve invested time, money, and emotions into a particular system, leaving puts you at square one. You have no education or real work experience outside of this system, what will you do to survive? Besides you have managed to convince/sell everyone you know to give you money to do this “awesome work of God.” To go against that will bring shame and humiliation. These are the core of this point.

6. Deceptive Recruitment: YWAM’s beloved international reputation is proof of this. When speaking out on YWAM you’re met with shock and awe and complete disbelief. The PR campaign is thick. Their University of the Nations is probably the worst. A degree that is completely worthless and may cost 2-3x more than a legitimate education. “But this degree is for the Lord!” No, it isn’t, it’s for YWAM!

7. Unquestioning Allegiance: One of our DTSes was themed “obedience is better than sacrifice” and boy did we EVER drive that home. This is the theme within all of YWAM. Submission to base authority and their divinely imparted “words from the Lord” is key to surviving within YWAM.

8. Ends justify the means: If you lie or embellish to your supporters, that’s OK, it’s for the greater good. If you admit a student who probably shouldn’t be doing this, it’s OK the base needs the money. If you lie and cover up sin within the base staff, you are walking out forgiveness. Better to hide/lie about/cover up what’s really going on than to “let the enemy get a foot hold or have a victory in seeing the base harmed.”

9. Us vs Them: This was the NUMBER ONE complaint I’ve heard from DTS students from bases everywhere was that the staff created an us vs them environment during their DTS. I have been lectured by DTS leaders about how I needed to maintain the "us vs them" mentality between staff and students and not “get too close to my students.” I saw this play out in our local community too. There was us, and there was them, meaning everyone else in the community that wasn’t directly involved on the base. There was strict protocol in place to manage this. Let’s not pull back the curtain and see what the great and powerful Oz really is. We cloaked ourselves in mystery and mysticism. In so doing created a multi-level priesthood if you will.

10. Submission via guilt: Oh yes. This was frequent. Guilt was a weapon of choice. “One on ones” weaponized counseling sessions for leadership, armed with sensitive personal information for both students and staff, to emotionally black mail. Any detail from your past was encouraged to be shared for your own good and then later used against you and discussed openly with other staff in meetings. “Do you think you are questioning my authority because of those daddy issues of yours?” “You used to be into the occult before you were saved and rebellion is the sin of witchcraft. Be careful your old man isn’t rising up in this spirit of rebellion and questioning my choices for your life.”

11. Divinely revealed truths: THIS IS YWAM NUMBER ONE! There is an emphasis in all of YWAM and even at it’s foundation for “hearing the voice of God.” It is THE core principal and teaching. Here’s the thing, some people hear God better than others. What you hear from God can’t go against what leadership has heard from God, or it can’t be from God. This is the number one way that YWAM spiritually abuses it’s members.

12. Siege Mentality/Dismissing Criticism: It’s everywhere. Whenever anyone speaks out against YWAM, people go on a full scale attack. Any blog, post, YouTube video, anything will be viciously attacked and dismembered. This organization will even be defended by people who have never been a part of it and have ZERO first hand knowledge of it’s key practices and believes.

13. Shunning: I and my husband have been shunned by YWAM and I know of many others. When we began to speak freely about our concerns and questions our former friends and colleagues were told not to speak to us or associate with us because we were gossiping and spreading lies. We were labeled “poisonous.”

14. Elitist Mentality: In SPADES!!! YWAMers are so snooty about being a YWAMer. Not once have I seen a base with a healthy relationship to a local church. The base feels they are above it. More spiritually mature and better teaching. More enlightened. People will go to church but their involvement at the base is so all consuming that churches are neglected. There is a sense that you are better than other Christians because you have sacrificed “worldly pursuits” in favor of “full time ministry.” You are better because you live by “faith” unlike those worldly believers who rely on jobs, you rely on God. Oh yeah and you also rely on all those people with jobs to support you, but hey let’s not think about the fact that you are essentially a spiritual beggar and mooch!

15. Control over personal life: Again, one of YWAM’s biggest! Nothing you do can happen without consent from base leadership. They have to approve any choice you make, whether it be marriage, dating, where you live, your role in leadership, how you spend your money, how you are raising your children. Base leadership gets a say in all of it.

16. Rigid restrictions related to the sleeping habits, food intake, exercise, and leisure times of members: YES!!!! As YWAM student or staff, your time is extremely restricted. Base mealtimes are mandatory and of poor quality. Many YWAM staff suffer from sleep deprivation, weight loss and malnutrition, especially during schools. Leisure time is dictated by base leadership.

Halloween. Why I celebrate it.

I briefly practiced witchcraft before I was a Christian, my husband was in the occult and New Age. We celebrate Halloween as a family. Because of my past, I feel I have a unique perspective on the whole thing. In all of my pagan worship, which was specifically Wicca, not once did I dress up and beg strangers for candy, except in the practice of a secular American holiday known as Halloween. The Wiccans I was with celebrated the fall equinox a full month earlier, and Halloween was nothing in particular, at least not for the people I practiced with. I know a lot of other covens do, specifically those more Celtic who practice Samhain. They did, however, worship and adorn evergreen trees during the Winter Solstice, which falls quite close to Christmas. There was also those who adorned and set out symbols of fertility, such as rabbits and eggs in the Spring to worship the goddess. I have no respect for any Christian conviction to abstain from Halloween but makes no such change over other pagan practices, such as Christmas trees and Easter Eggs. If you are going to do one, go all in. I know people who do abstain from all of it and I respect that. We do not. We put up our tree, hide our eggs, and yes, we go trick-or-treating. Why?

We are no longer pagans. If anything I love taking something from my old life and watching it reborn into something new. Assigning new significance to it with my new found freedom in Christ, just as I myself was reborn and given a new assignment. I love how the symbolisms can cross over, evergreen tree equals eternal life, eggs equal a rolling stone. Pagans don't own evergreen trees and eggs. God created them. Pagans don't own candy and dress-up either. I can only imagine that early converts from Paganism to Christianity felt as I do, as they reassigned all their cultural festivals and Holy Days to reflect their new found relationship with Christ. I love it. The Jerusalem counsel in Acts told pagans to not eat blood and not to fornicate but left out: "and don't celebrate your holidays." That bit was not in there. If you don't have Jewish heritage, your ancestry is pagan, and everything about converted pagans applies to you. It's why you have the freedom to eat that honey glazed ham. That same freedom applies here.

In 1 Corinthians 10 it says in regards to Pagan practice: "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." I believe the early ex-pagan Christians did just that by converting their holidays into a worship of The Creator rather than the creation. Halloween, by the way, means All Hallow's Even (Holy Night). It is the day before the anniversary of the reformation of the church and All Saint's Day. The dead and martyred in Christ were celebrated as having achieved the final victory over sin and death. Halloween has associations with Samhain, I admit that. Samhain was practiced by a specific sect of pagans on a small European Island. Modern day Halloween practices would be considered irreverent and sacrilegious to a practicing pagan who would view this as a somber and sacred event and take issue with the light-hearted play and merriment.

So this is how I feel about it.

I suppose I'm not so easily offended by it because I know better what real pagan worship looks like and it doesn't look like a church's "Trunk or Treat" festivities. My daughter is not a pagan or satanist for dressing up like Elsa and getting bags of candy, nor will she be. And if I'm not going to take down my Christmas tree or put an end to my children's egg hunts, I will not take down my pumpkins either.

Refrences:

https://www.circlesanctuary.org/index.php/celebrating-the-seasons/celebrating-samhain https://answersingenesis.org/holidays/halloween-history-and-the-bible/ https://www.whychristmas.com/customs/trees.shtml

PS: On a personal note my name is "Autumn." I want a fall festival to enjoy and this is what I have. Don't tell me Thanksgiving is a fall festival. All Thanksgiving really is is a prelude to Christmas.

Rise up, Rise up Now!

I'm here to tell you my testimony. Although I don't think that what I'm about to share is what you're expecting. I could sit here for the next few hours and greatly entertain you with the R rated tale that is my past life. All the horrors of drugs, sex, witchcraft, childhoods and teen years gone wrong told in the style of a Hollywood movie. It would keep you on the edge of your seats. But I won't. I refuse.

You see the real story of my life isn't something I can blame on people, circumstances, or even my own bad choices. The world as we know it is not real. What happened to me and what I've done in the past no longer exists in the eyes of heaven, so why should I bore you with it now. The truth is that somewhere in the real, God had a plan for my existence. Even before he formed me in the natural I was formed in His mind's eye with a purpose and a calling in the Spirit. Somewhere along the way, here in this realm of the natural, an enemy came in to destroy, distract, and deter me from that plan of God. It worked but only for a moment. In the grand scheme of forever that momentary lapse in my existence is petty and deserves little of my attention.

I don't deny that there is a time to mourn, a time to cry, a time to feel sorrow for ourselves and the failures, attacks, and demoniacally inspired activities of our past. But we can not build a home in that place and live camped out there, permanently stalled from all that God has for us. At some point we have to pull up the tent pegs and move on. We have to rise up and we have to rise up now.

This world as we know it is not real. All those people in your past, yourself included, were puppets on a string. Dancing the dance of the puppet master who was given authority to pull those strings. We have to move on and quit blaming those puppets for being used that way. We have to realize that for however badly we were made to feel subjugated, put down, enslaved, they were in fact having all the same done to them. Don't be fooled.

This world is a Spiritual one wearing earthly vestments. The real is affecting us all the time but we don't see the strings, we can't look past the clothes at the truth of what lies behind. The real powers that govern and contend for this universe. They're more real than what our eyes can see. In the spiritual I am not a sinner saved by grace. The sinner no longer exists. I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ and that “sinner” is no longer a part of my identity nor will I lay claim to her. I am once again in restoration with the creator of the universe who once again sees me in that perfect condition of who I was truly created to be. It is the lie of the enemy to trick me into believing anything different.

So we have to rise up, rise up and claim what is ours, what the enemy has tried to steal, what we have let go of. Rise up in the name of Jesus and proclaim the truth of who we really are and quit blaming the past. Rise up in truth, rise up in freedom, rise up in the Spirit.

The Kingdom of God is a rushing river forcefully advancing. We can be in it or we can be on the sidelines watching it flow by but our lack of participation does nothing to stop it. It will go on and only those forceful enough to jump in the stream will get to partake of it. The longer we stay camped in the lies and false reality of the enemy the longer it will pass us by. So RISE UP, and rise up now.

The Parable of the Sower and Why We Should Not Be Raising "Christian" Children

Introduction

     First off I have to tell you an exciting thing. I'm reading the Bible, IN FRENCH. So fun. I'm living in France and trying to learn French so it seemed like a good idea but let me tell you something though. I have seen so many things in the Word that I never saw before just because I'm reading it in another language. Seeing it in French causes me to stop and rethink things that I have read on auto-pilot in my mother tongue a 100 times. I highly recommend doing this to anyone trying to learn another language. It is great fun.

     Today God showed me something completely new in the parable of the sower. I saw it in a way I had never seen it before. I saw it in context to raising my children.

 The Parable of the Sower Matthew 13:3-9

     "Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear."

The Parable Explained Matthew  13:18-23

     "Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty."

Why I Can Not Raise "Christian" Children 

     When I read this today I felt God speak to me and tell me, this is what He wants me to do with my children, prepare them to be good soil. I can't "make" them Christians. I can, however, create in them a fertile ground so that when the Word of the Lord comes to them, it will be deeply rooted in a good soil that will bear much fruit. 

     "Who then is Paul (Dad), and who is Apollos (Mom), but ministers by whom ye believed, even as the Lord gave to every man? I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour. For we are labourers together with God: ye (my children) are God's husbandry, ye are God's building." -1 Corinthians 3:5-9

     I have to surrender control of the outcome of my children to the Lord and trust Him with the increase. I need to do my best to prepare them and make them a fertile ground for that increase to happen in. I can not let my parenting be guided by fear of a possible outcome.

     "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

     How many times have I parented out of fear and not love? How many times have you?

     The parable offers 4 possible outcomes of a person's condition:

1. Road and Birds = Misunderstanding and Demonic Attack
2. Rocks and Sun = Shallowness in Persecution
3. Thorns = Worry and Worldliness
4. Good Soil = Understanding

     1.  So let's avoid number one happening to my kids. What can I do? Educate.  They need to have understanding. We need to teach them logic and reasoning. They need to have a depth of understanding so that they can see through things that are obvious and find the deeper meaning. They also need to have an understanding of the evil in this world and what it is capable of so that they will not fall as easy prey and can recognize evil when they see it.

     2.  We need to create givers and carers, kids that are not shallow and self focused. Our kids need a global Kingdom perspective that can take them outside of themselves to see that they are a part of the whole, a member in the body. The world doesn't revolve around them and their own interests. Take them on a mission trip, teach them about persecuted churches around the world, take them to hand out breakfast and coffee to those living under a bridge, volunteer at a homeless shelter, and talk about it with them. Talk about what they saw and why that happens. They need to understand persecution and tribulation. We can't protect them from bullies, but we can help them to endure their persecution with grace and forgiveness. To help them see that there is a root cause to the pain that causes someone to act out that way. To help them to turn the other cheek and pray for those that would willfully persecute you. 

    3.  We need our children to feel secure, safe, and satisfied. We need them to trust us, even if times are hard. 

  "Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" -Matthew 7:9-11

     We are this example. How can we expect our kids to grow up trusting an invisible Heavenly Father, if they can't trust us. If we blind-side them and cheat them out of a safe, trusting, loving, environment, this will influence how they view God. If we are trustworthy and build them a home with safety and provision, they will transfer that to their Father in Heaven as adults and teens. 

    Money isn't everything. In consumer driven cultures it's hard to not be lured in by the "deceitfulness of riches." I've met really miserable rich people and really happy poor people. We have to make sure that our kids are not drawn in by the commercialism make false promises of happiness. We need to teach them what real happiness is and encourage them to seek those things.

   4.  Understanding. We need to model understanding for them to have it. Let them have a voice. Talk through things with them. Model Kingdom, Christ-centered, Spirit-lead, Biblical living, so they will know it when they see it. So that when the Word of God comes to them, they will understand it because they grew up seeing it in action in our hearts, lives, and actions as parents. 

     "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." -Ephesians 6:4

    "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." -Colossians 3:21

     Childhood and parenting is hard. Luckily my Lord's yoke is easy and his burden is light. Praise God I don't have to raise perfect Christian children. I need to love, nurture, protect, educate, and prepare my little ones. Why is it that the simplest things are sometimes the hardest to do. I have to trust God with my children. So hard yet so easy. I have to quit trying to control them and rather instruct and love them. God is in control, not me. He is the one in whom's hands I will place their fate. I'd so much rather it be His than mine. 

     So this is what God was speaking to me today. If any of it is for you too, great! I hope that I can live out the lessons I feel like God is trying to teach me through this. I'm not there yet but I hope to be soon.

 


    

What Learning French Has Taught Me

I studied French for years living in the States without much progress to show for it. I'm sure all the words I learned are in there somewhere, but years of toil didn't produce much. Two months of living in France has produced a lot. Aside from a new vocabulary and a completely new way of dealing with verbs, learning French has taught me so much more than just another language.

1. I am SO American.
Ok, so this should be obvious right? Well, not so much. You see, in the states when you have a slight bit of knowledge of the world at large it's easy to feel international, mysterious, exotic, and superior. Most Americans don't travel off continent and even fewer know a language other than English. So to spit out a line or two of conversational French to an "Oooo"-ing and "Awww"-ing American, taken in by your travel tales of adventures abroad, makes you feel so, so, I don't know, cool. Not to mention all us Americans LOVE to talk about our ancestral roots in the old world. "Oh I'm a quarter this and one eighth that." No one is ever just "American." Oh no, all of us are a Heinz 57 sauce full of a dash of everything.

There really is nothing like the absolute culture shock of complete immersion into a foreign country to really hit home just how much of your own culture you really are. I'm an American. Through and through. And never so much of an American as I am right now living in France. I hunt down American food and ingredients like a blood hound and pay embarrassing prices to obtain it once found. I stumble over my own culture constantly and feel rubbed the wrong way by things I know for a fact to not have been meant offensively. Yet they still bother me. Knowing is only half the battle. The fibers of my capitalist American self run deep. Even deeper than I once thought.

2. A watched pot never boils.
I'm given so much encouragement by people continually about how good my French is for someone who has been here for such a short time. Yet, American that I am, I'm impatient. I want to have deep philosophical, religious, conversations now! I don't want to stumble around like a three year old grasping for whatever word I can find to kind of sort of explain what I'm trying to say. And then say it badly. I can be understood, for the most part. I can understand others, for the most part. "A watched pot never boils," is such a fun English expression about patience. How constantly watching and waiting for something to happen will slow the time. You're so much better off forgetting about it and being surprised when suddenly it happens. 

The truth is I am getting better, daily, moment by moment. Each TV show I watch, each conversation I have is pushing me forward. More bubbles beginning to form in the water. One day it will boil. One day, without even knowing, it will have happened, I will be fluent. I look forward to that day. For now I will try to describe the deeper things of life like a 3 year old without the vocabulary to fully express what she means and wants to say.

3. People are people.
Americans think French people are so cool. We love the accent (so don't be too embarrassed by it Frenchies and don't try too hard to lose it), we love the food, we love the culture, the art, the history. It's all so rich and colorful. So different from our own. French people have a mystique to Americans. When people heard we were moving to France the reaction was as if we were moving to Disney World. "What?! France?! Oh you are SO lucky! I am SO jealous!" Yes, yes. France is gorgeous, the food is good, the landscape is lovely but people are still people.

The more French I learn the more the mystique is lost. That guy over there is a redneck. Yes he's French, but he is as much a blue-collared redneck as any hill-billy picked out of a hat from the deep woods of Kentucky. Yes he eats baguette and drinks wine instead of Budweiser and pretzels. But he is who he is. Being French doesn't change that and I love that. I love down home salt of the Earth people who aren't full of themselves and I'm so glad they're here to make me feel more at home. He isn't alone. All the classic stereotypes are here. The Auntie May, the girl next door, the geeky loner, the jock, the hippie, the prom queen, they all exist here in their own cultural equivalents. If anyone of them came to the states they'd instantly be given street cred for being French. All our stereotypes we associate with that would be placed on them immediately. If they knew how to play their cards right, they might could even play it off and reinvent themselves.

So I'm encouraged. I will continue to trip over my French and feel blessed by every French person who bothers to return the favor and trip over their bad English. I will indulge my American-ness and wait for my pot to boil. I will take comfort in knowing that these lovely people, are just people. Hopefully, one day, I will have a fabulous testimony to go with all this work and observation. For now, I'm enjoying the journey.

FRANCE, 10 Things Every American Should Know

(Originally written in 2007. I now live here as of 2014)
NUMBER 1: Not everyone here speaks English!
Ignore anything to the contrary that others who've been here might have told you. Even in Paris, I've found very few people with a working ability to speak English. So PLEASE come here knowing at least a few basic things in French to help you get around. The more the better. Especially if you will be traveling anywhere out into the countryside, which you really should, its absolutely amazing out there. Besides its only fair. We always say of others coming to our land, "If you're gonna be in America you need to speak English." So why shouldn't the French demand the same of us. Like I said, it really is ONLY fair.

(2014 Update: Still true.)

NUMBER 2: Peanut Butter is an exotic item in France.
This one is especially for you parents out there who may have children, like mine, addicted to the stuff. If you would like to track some down and neglect my advice, which is to take a jar with you, you can try looking where the jam, honey, and nutella is (which by the way they have more Nutella here on one shelf than I think I've seen in my entire life) but more likely than not it will not be there. So try looking in the "exotic foods" section. Oh yeah and don't look for a "jar" look for a can. That's right, a tin can, bearing almost no resemblance to what we in America know as peanut butter, inside or out. People here say they hate peanut butter and from what I've tasted of the local variety, I don't blame them.

(2014 Update: Not true any longer. Skippy has taken the nation for peanut butter lovers everywhere and the creamy variety can be found in small jars pretty much everywhere. Also Mexican and Asian foods are found now too, although they aren't very good outside of a genuine Asian or Latino community store.)

NUMBER 3: Have good shoes and socks
Even in the country you walk a lot and my stupid socks plague me. I got new shoes before I left and they are working great, but my socks suck and fall down into my shoes. Ugh! Oh yeah, lay off the tennis-shoes. People don't wear them here, major tourist give away. They are considered tacky and ugly when worn outside of an actual tennis court.

(2014 Update: Somehow Tennis shoes are now a European fashion trend. Not sure if it will last forever but it is here now)

NUMBER 4: Know their customs BEFORE you come.
This really should be number one. Even more important than knowing the language you have to know their cultural and societal norms more than anything. Do not come here thinking this is a "white western" world. Pretend like your going to Japan or China and learn a bit about the French's social protocol. Certain things we do that are considered "rude" or "polite" are the exact opposite of each other. For example! In America you do not greet people in stores or restaurant. You are in there for business. If you are asked anything its only to find out what you need. In France its expected that you exchange greetings with the clerk or store owner before conducting business. Not to do so will ensure rude horrible service because they feel they are acting in kind to your behavior. Their business is not just business, its like an extension of their home and they expect that you would politely greet them first. And this is just one of many.

The only other one that is really important to know is that a waiter will not be giving you a lot of attention. Here to be constantly going to a table that has not asked for your services specifically is "interrupting" them. But an American would almost never "hail" a waiter and would think that if they had to do so it is because he was "ignoring" them. These things are a big deal here. Know them.

(2014 Update: Still VERY true)

NUMBER 5: The French do not hate Americans.
Get over it people. We've been fed this lie from our Franco-phobe government and it just simply is not true. The French are a proud people, as are we, and two proud, strong people can, more often than not, rub each other the wrong way. What the French do hate is people who come here with no respect for them, their culture, their country, or their language. Superior attitudes and objectionable behavior bother them more than where you are from. Pretend like you are going to stay at someone else's house before you come here. Learn the rules of the house. And then respectfully obey them. You would want the same done for you.

(2014 Update: This was written during the Bush/"freedom fries" era. Political context aside, still true.)

NUMBER 6: Bring a lot of money.
Even in the off season its REALLY expensive. Even eating cheap stuff from street vendors can still cost you about 10 euro ($15) a meal. And where are all these creperies I was promised! I finally find one of these apparitions and wouldn't you know it, I wasn't hungry.

(2014 Update: Still expensive here.)

NUMBER 7: Prepare thyself for dehydration!
In America we use REALLY big cups compared to the French. Seriously! The cups in some places would look like buckets to them. Their large glass looks like our small and their small glass is a dixie cup. So I would highly recommend cutting back on your fluid intake a week or so before you come. Or you could bring your own cup and give yourself away. :)

(2014 Update: Definitely still true.)

NUMBER 8: Fear not for you Big Mac attack.
The French have McDonald's EVERYWHERE! It's actually a bit depressing. Even way out in little towns in the middle of no where we saw McDonald's (The French call it McDo, pronounced, "Mack-Dough"). BUT here is where we found out its a tad different. French law regulates its food better than we do. So the ingredients tend to be fresher and better tasting than it's US menu item equivalents. You will still find some things different, even in McDonald's, like Espresso instead of coffee, but no one hears me complaining about that one.

(2014 Update:Still true only now I see more of them and more highway signs advertising them than I had before.)

NUMBER 9: We're sorry but number 9 is on strike at the moment and can offer no information at this time.

(2014 Update: Yes, SO TRUE!)

NUMBER 10: Prepare to be amazed.
Nothing you would ever see in a picture, or book, or hear someone tell you about this place could ever prepare you for the grandeur and artistry that is "France." It is not just Paris in the same way New York does not equal "America". This entire place, every city, house, tree, or blade of grass is just amazingly beautiful. I don't think there is anywhere in the world quite like it. It's like you can't find "ugly" here. Ornate, perhaps even gaudy, but never ugly. Everything here is about striving to create beauty. The land itself seems to have taken up the cause of its people by decorating for each season and setting its ornaments all into place. Or perhaps the chicken came first and because the land is that way the people couldn't let themselves be out done. Who knows? but bring a lot of film and prepare to be disappointed at the inability to "capture" something.

(2014 Update: Perhaps a bit overstated but generally true. And of course no one uses "film" in their digital cameras or smartphones.)

Ships to Mexico and Planes to Europe

As I sit here typing this I'm internally swaying back and forth. If you can believe it, I have sea legs. It would seem that my equilibrium, along with the rest of me, desires to be back out on the ocean. I could care less about Mexico. I'm a Navy Brat so honestly I could care less about seeing the beaches. I grew up around them. But man! I want to be back on that ocean. Awe inspiring and powerful beyond imagination. Even the enormous floating hotel/casino I was on seemed like nothing upon the Sea's great expanse. I miss going on deck and reading, praying, or even just staring. I loved it. It puts your life into its proper perspective to know how small and truly insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things. So until the land catches up with me, every time I cut a zig-zag walking across the floor, grab the side of the sink for stability, or close my eyes and feel myself gently rocking to and fro, I will remember. And though its a bit of a nuisance, I will miss it when its gone, because it means I'm that much further away from where I was.

My favorite part of the voyage, aside from time with my Mom, the Mayan history I learned, and the relaxation I enjoyed, was the crew members I met. So many people from so many places. I lived in the Philippines as a child so I had fun talking to the Filipinos, but mostly I loved all the Eastern Europeans I met. Granted I'm dying to go to Europe and I'm sure that played heavily into my prejudice, but they were awesome. So friendly and eager to talk and share themselves and their country with me.

I felt proud to be an American again as I heard about their desire to come here. To make a better life for themselves and their families. It redefined the term "American Dream" for me. What once felt like a bad word (or words) now has new meaning. The house, cars, and 2.5 kids is not the American Dream, its these people. People who come here looking for the opportunities and advantages that we Americans so often take for granted or forget about.

They struggle and work hard to try and attain what we have handed to us, so they appreciate it more. Its amazing the work ethic and drive that they can have to get what they seek. It comes as no surprise to me that 1st generation immigrants make up a significant percentage of this country's millionaires. They aren't spoiled as we can be. They don't feel that they "need" things. Things that to us feel necessary but to them are considered luxuries. So they work hard, save, and do well. That is what this country is about, its what's "good" about capitalism. The people who come here can work hard, live simply, and rise above the rest of us who live our lives on borrowed income and the feeling that we "deserve" something we haven't earned yet. Getting to know them was refreshing.

All that said, as visions of Ellis island and the words, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free," run through your mind I have to say it makes me want to move to Europe all the more. I feel that part of appreciating anything about this country is living apart from it. I want to give myself and my children perspective. I want them to know the world at large so they can have a global mindset and not feel isolated by the American Imperialism that I grew up with and struggle to overcome in my own life and thinking. So as I overcome my sea legs and miss being aboard a ship surrounded by an ocean and 56 different nationalities of people, I make plans. I look up plane tickets to another continent. One yet to be visited by me. My darling Europe.

I feel a grief and sadness for it. Its like being homesick for some place I've never even been. I have felt this before, for California and San Francisco. Before I'd ever laid eyes on the place I had the same longing to go there. Now that I have, and lived there twice, my feelings for the city by the bay remain just as strong and loving as before I'd lived there, only now they have the history to justify them. This gives me hope. Hope that I may say the same for Europe some day. Years after going there and living there I can recall these emotions I'm having now and remember that they were a premonition of things to come, a driving force within my heart and soul to bring me there. May it be so!

Now though I've expanded my European views to include the Eastern bits. Something I hadn't considered before but now seem to me a part of the whole. I hope to see Serbia, Romania, and Macedonia. To learn and be apart of the intense history of those places as well. I'd love to travel to this little known corner of the world and walk the streets of countries most Americans have never heard of (that is unless we had meddled in a war there before and heard about it that way). But there is so much more to those places. Places that once had Empires, early writing systems, and a history all there own that pre-dates ours 1000s of years. Castles and first century churches with paintings of Christ done by someone who might have actually laid eyes on him. As a country we are so young and so proud. Perhaps our youth is what makes us so proud. Like a teenager who thinks they know everything, we baulk at the wisdom of older places that can actually say, "been there, done that." Our history is a speck upon their time-lines yet we feel so superior to them. How can it be?

Special thanks and shout-outs to Hari from Macedonia, Alex from Romania, Nicolae from Romania, Aleksandra from Serbia, and Wieny from the Philippines.

80's Kid, 90's Teen, Currently... Feeling Older

So last Friday, March 2, I turned 29. Pretty crazy. I'll be 30 soon. I've been 20-something for so long its hard to imagine that I soon won't be. I will admit though, this year more than any other, I really felt myself becoming more of a "grown-up." Ew! I suppose having a kid will age you more than time alone. I know people well in there 30's that seem a lot hipper and younger than me. More and more I feel myself slipping away from what's current and cool. I guess that I never was truly current. The hip-culture of my youth was never what was deemed mainstream anyway, unless you live in Northern California.

I must say there is a kind-of relief in slipping away from youth. You don't have to try as hard or keep up as much. You can just give in and say, "yep, I'm old, so sorry, I no longer 'get it.'" You can dig in to your hard found identity and surrender to who you've come to know yourself to be and not worry about any of that anymore. After almost 30 years of life I really know who I am. That is not something you can have when you are younger. You may think you know but you soon find out you were wrong. I don't claim to have it all figured out or even to say that I won't change anymore in this life, just that I am now who I once tried to find. That's a very comforting and good thing to take hold of.

So in response to this banner-year-birthday, I'm making my own, "you know your an 80s/90s kid if," lists. None of the ones I've ever seen really describe me or what I remember from growing up in the 80s and 90s. So this one is all mine. Born in 1978 I really remember both those decades, each in its own age-appropriate way.

You were an 80s kid if...

You can remember going to the theater to watch the "Ewok Movie," you didn't call it Star Wars yet.

You had a metal lunch box that was tossed aside at some point for a plastic one, and now you wished you had kept the old ones ($$$$)

Your lunch box characters may have included but weren't limited too... bike riding aliens, country girls in blue calico hoods whose face was never actually seen, guys wielding light sabers and a girl with buns in her hair, rednecks driving an orange beater with a number on the side, treasure hunting kids from Oregon, and of course brown fuzzy bear-like creatures from the redwoods.

Your Saturday morning TV line-up included at one point or another, smurfs, snorks, gummy bears, garfield, Mr. T, GI Joe, Spiderman, Mask, Thunder Cats, My little Pony, Rainbow Bright, and The REAL strawberry shortcake (not this modern-day wanna-be).

Computer animation looked STUPID, and you could never imagine it being a full run cartoon.

The only kid channel to watch on weekday TV was PBS, and later, if you were lucky enough to have cable, nickelodeon, with shows that included 3-2-1 contact, Mr Rogers, Sesame Street, Mr. Wizard, You Can't Do That on Television, and Double Dare.

You remember MTV without reality programming and commercials, in fact you remember exactly when it first came out.

Michael Jackson was cool and not freaky-weird

Madonna, Cindi Lauper, and Prince were top of the pops.

You went to an ATARI store and had your parents tell you how great the graphics were compared to some strange game named, "pong."

Arcades were fun and everywhere

Nintendo and Sega were the coolest game systems ever.

Only rich people owned computers and cell phones.

You had a feather hair-cut, rat-tail, and/or mullet, and thought that it looked GOOD!

You wore jeans so tight you couldn't eat.

Every top in your closet was a random T-shirt.

You had at least 2 pair of "jellies" and wanted more.

You remember when televangelists were still to be trusted.

You wore an armful of plastic/rubber bracelets and knew how to weave them together to look cool.

You had or new someone that sported leg warmers

You never thought tapes would completely take down records and had NO idea what a CD was.

You paid near a $1000 for a VCR and a $100 for a VHS tape. And you remember that poor kid who had a Beta.

Your home movie camera weighed about 20 pounds and your camera was either a polaroid or 110 film.

You KNEW that Delorions were the cars of the future

You spent most of your childhood waiting for the sequel to the movie that made Delorions popular.

You recognize the phrase, "I ain't afraid of no ghost."

Michael J Fox's real name was Alex and Kirk Cameron's picture was hanging on you or your sister's wall. You REALLY wanted to be that kid on Silver Spoons and weren't sure what was so different about "Different Strokes."

You remember your parents watching Dallas, Falcon Crest, and Dynasty.

Saturday Night Live was actually funny

You wanted your last name to be "Cosby"

You never could figure out why your mom thought Tom Selleck was so hot. But you really wanted a pair of fighter pilot sunglasses.

You can name every member of the Brat Pack but would be hard pressed to name the Rat Pack

It was still ok for food to be laden with chemicals, and organic only meant that something was naturally occuring

Your parents gave you a credit card to teach you money and every other movie was about wall street or getting some high paying corporate job.

You thought 70's fashion was the most hideous thing ever and never could imagine it coming back into style.

Music wasn't good unless it was electronic.

You remember the Berlin Wall falling, the challenger exploding, and Russia being the all time evil nemesis to the US.

But hey! You didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the worlds been turning.

You had to either memorize or write down phone numbers.




You were a 90's kid/teen if....

You thought call waiting was the heighth of telecommunications, that is until you got caller ID. But cell phones were still for rich people.

You remember the first time you learned how to use a remote and got a cordless phone.

Will Smith was a recording artist and later a TV star.

Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Belinda Carlisle, and New Kids on the Block were top of the pops.

Glam rock was in and for a moment in time big hair, full make-up, and spandex was considered sexy on a guy, even a fully heterosexual male.

Rap was strange and new

If you were a girl, you had long hair with bangs, the back of your hair mattered very little, but your bangs needed to be perfectly shaped like a satelite dish.

Aqua-net was your best friend and recieved a lot of financial support from you.

You had a slap bracelet

You thought 70s fashion was awesome

You remember watching the very first Real World and loving it.

Jim Carey and Jennifer Lopez were on In Living Color

You did the electric slide and the spider at your school dance

You had a fluorscent T-shirt that changed colors with temperatures

You read the Babysitters club

Christian Slater was hotter than Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt who?

You watched B-flicks on USA up all night and remember watching a slasher movie called Cutting Class with some really cute kid named Bradd Pitt as the lead.

Leonardo DiCaprio was some kid from a giant earth worm movie

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were hot

You know what Mystery Science Theater 3000 is

Your parents were seriously in debt from the 80s

You remember being horrified the first time you heard about a school killing and couldn't imagine that ever happening.

You remember when River Phoenix and Curt Cobain died. Oh yeah and that guy from Blind Melon too.

Michael Jackson was becoming weird but still putting out records. His sister however was doing great.

Paula Abdul wasn't a TV show judge

You thought that alternative would never be mainstream

You watched headbangers ball and 120 minutes

You wanted to live in Seattle

You tried a micro-brewed beer and wondered how Budweiser could possibly stay in business after that

You know these movie quotes,

"I got paid in puke! Lick it up baby! Lick it up!" (Heathers)

"Jam me, jack me, push me, pull me, TALK HARD!"(Pump up the Volume)

"As you wish..." "do you have 6 fingers on your right hand?"(Princess Bride)

You wanted to dance in a convience store to "My Sharona"

You know who Lisa Lobe and the 4 non-blondes are.

You remember rip-roaring music controversies such as,
Green Jello/Jelly's name dispute
Milli Vanilli's lip synching
Vanilla Ice's unallowed sampling of a Bowie riff
Madonna's infamous SEX book

You were too sexy for your shirt, so sexy it hurt

You wanted to play bass just like Primus or Flea

You remember the first time some one got a body piercing and thinking it was SO weird, then everyone you knew got their belly button pierced.

You remember the first time you used the internet and wondered if it would ever take off.

All email forwards were believed and trusted.

You remember the dot com boom and bust.

You had a hard time identifying your generation with anything in particular, then you got labeled, "X"

I'm 10 years old!

I can't hardly believe it! 10 years can go by in a blink and you barely notice. You stop and assess things and realize, "Wow! A lot has happened." But to look back on the time just really makes it seem short and unreal. 10 years ago I was in a totally different place. I was in Hell, basically. On this day, October 9th, 1996, I wrote in a journal about my life-changing decision to follow Christ.
I don't know the exact date it all went down. I was a travelling foot-loose hippie. There were no schedules, no watches, no rules. But there was a journal. That was the one thing I'd ask a date for. The journal talks about it happening sometime within that week during a Bible study. So I'll just celebrate today as the day. I'm not going to tell you all of it. I do want to reflect about what these 10 years have meant to me.

When I first felt the sensation of peace that came from accepting Christ I thought it was a temporal thing, like so much else had been. It wasn't though. God gave me peace on that day and it has never left me. I didn't get a gold paved road through life, anything but. The difference isn't that life as a Christian is "easy." The difference is that, though life is difficult, Christian or otherwise, I now have something I never had before. I have a supernatural force that's driving inside of me. It's a passion, a hope, a calling, an identity, a crutch sometimes, wings at other times, but its always a peace. A peace that surpasses understanding. A peace that holds me up in the pits of hell and hard times and says, "don't worry, this too shall pass." It is an undying devotion that comes from me and through me, the whole time being from somewhere else far beyond my natural means.
The Bible explains the Holy Spirit as wind. Though you can't see it, its ever present blowing all around you. You feel it, touch it, smell it, its real and evident, but I could never show it to someone else unless they too have ever felt the wind blow or have seen its effects. This force not only is at work around me, but through the atonement of Jesus' sacrifice and the power of His ressurection, I've been cleansed of my imperfections so that it can work in me. Guiding and aiding me, when I let it, to lead a better life. Not only for myself but for those lives that I'm so priviledged to be apart of. You included.

Christians aren't always out on mission fields trying to change a culture. They're trying to change a heart, or should be anyway. I hope that, with my life, I might be able to share with others this life changing power that I have only found in Jesus. This is why Christians seem exclusive. We are. We have what we could not find anyplace else through any other religon. We should share this, not to have an "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude, but because we want others to feel the wind blow.

My name is Autumn, although technically I was born in March. My mother liked the name. I like it too. It suits me. I've always felt described and owned to it. Perhaps that name was prophetically spoken through my mother. Not as something to call me when she needed my attention, but as a constant prophecy as to when my true birth would come. As it did in an Autumn 10 years ago.
So this season, where ever you are and however it is presented in your climate's expressions of fall, things will be changing. Preparing for the death of winter, leads us again into the rebirth of spring. So be reminded, as you see these changes, of the Autumn who you know and how she died once, long ago, only to be born a fresh and now has come to live, even 10 years down the road.

I am Superwoman!

Ok, so we got Isaac one of those wooden fort/playset things for his birthday. The box says, "build and play in a day." So we get the lumber and work out a plan to keep Isaac away from the construction site before his party on Sunday, that way its a surprise. Well the "day" in "build and play" turned into weeks. The construction team that we assembled, made up of family members, couldn't quite get it going in that time frame. In fact they all missed hanging out at Isaac's party just to try and get this thing assembled by the end of it, which never happened.

So here this thing sits half completeled in our backyard and me getting impatient. Every weekend brings other dilemas and things that take precedence and nothing happens to this poor playset. So I devise a plan. I'll have my brother and step-dad come and finish it during the week, especially since we're going to South Padre this weekend for the Fourth and yet again nothing would be done to the thing for another two weeks. All seems well since they too need assistance, networking their home computers and my husband being a computer geek, can exchange services.

Well it would seem that complications would again arise and my kid's playset seems fated by the powers-that-be not to be erected. My brother did however rise to the occasion. So he and I worked most the day and got the thing done! Praise God! But here's the whammy.

On top of assisting him in this undertaking, I also managed to do 4 loads of laundry (and put all of it away), tend to the entertainment and refereeing of two two-year-olds (my son and niece), fix breakfast and lunch for us all, wash and put away two loads of dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum (the whole house), get my kid in bed for his nap, and had all this done before the naps so that I too could rest before Ryan got home at 6:30p and then we headed out the door for a class we've been taking.

My major undertaking had two effects. One was that of tremendous pride in being a super-mega-mom and two was a major migraine that was only half-way taken care of by the ingesting of migraine pills and caffeine. All the same my kid has a playfort/slide/swingset/rockwall-thing and I have the satisfaction of knowing that I can really rock it if I need to.

After all who knows what adventures tomorrow may bring for mega-mom. Because I still need to pack, go to the zoo for a playdate with a friend, more laundry, and so it goes. Stay at home moms have a pretty big job and how the single parents deal with it.... I have NO idea!

Mourning someone you don't know

I'm feeling a bit lost these days about something. You see, this teenage girl at our church just died. She had been sick for a couple of years with a brain tumor. I never met her but Ryan and I prayed for her alot. I don't know what I was expecting. Our church has always been full of these stories about miraculous healings. Once someone even said the church had an annointing to heal cancer. So I guess I expected that she would be healed. After all, people survive cancer all the time.

In fact one of my best-friends, Sandy, is a 10 year survivor. I talked to her about it to get an insight from someone who's been through it. She said that she has struggled with guilt from being a "survivor." She knew a lady in the hospital when she was undergoing treatments that had the same thing. This lady had a 6 year-old child and didn't make it. Why her? So I ask, "why Courtney?" This teenage kid with so many years that should have been ahead of her. I don't know.

As a parent I always think, "what if that was my kid?" Who cares if it were me, but what if it was Isaac? Here I barely get to know him and then I'd never see him become a man or have kids of his own. How unfair that would be! How pointless! How tragic! How can anyone endure it?... Why do parents torcher themselves with questions like these?

So Sunday we're in church and the preachers wife is telling a story of this time of healing and I felt angry. I struggled listening to this story knowing that for one person that healing never came. I cried and felt mad at God. Why the child in that story and not the one in this other. How, why? Arghhh!!!

Then later during a worship song God gave me an answer. I had it all flipped around in my thinking. Those that know Him, and pass on to be with Him, aren't on the losing side. Especially after years of struggle and pain. They enter into rest and peace while we, the living, have to continue on in the struggle and pain of life. Those that have gone on before us look down and pity us. It shouldn't be the other way around, even though it is. We are left here to work while their job on Earth is done.

That said, I still struggle with the passing of this young girl. My heart goes out to her friends, family, and especially her parents. That loss would be unbearable for me. Thankfully they and I have a God who can bear all these things. We also have His Son who has borne more pain and suffering than any of us will ever know. May everyone reading this find that kind of strength and comfort.

Celebrating Easter Eve

So its the day before Easter and I'm wearing black. Tomorrow I'll wear colorful spring fashions but today, its black. I suppose that if I were in Jerusalem 1,970 years ago this is what I'd be wearing, at least in my heart since I don't know the mourning customs of that time and place. It would feel hopeless. The guy I had just pinned all my hopes on for salvation would be dead. He'd be lying in a tomb somewhere ready for embalming. The spiritual movement I was a part of now seems over and pointless. Fortunately it didn't end there.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to church wearing bright colors and celebrating. Why? Because Jesus didn't just sit in a tomb and rot. If that was the end of the story my whole religion wouldn't have that much going for it. My key "prophet" would have died like all the other leaders that started every other religion out there. But He didn't he rose again!

Jesus died to atone for our sins and I'd never detract from that. But I don't like wearing crucifixes or crosses. For me that's not what its about, the story didn't end there. He rose from the dead! Praise God that Jesus died for my sins, but I'm not gonna leave him up there on that cross. He's alive and seated at the right hand of the Father and through that ressurection power, and my commitment to Him, I have life everlasting. I have the same God living in me that rose Himself from the dead. Therefore I am empowered to live my life in a positive and Holy way. That's something I never could have done on my own, I know because I tried.

So Happy Easter Everybody! Remember what its about.

Don't mess with TEXAS

Ok I didn't write this it was an email forward from a friend but it really sums up the place where I live. I have added a few things. It's funny, I never wanted to live here. If you told me 10 years ago that I'd be living in Texas for the majority of that time I'd have thought you were crazy. But here I am, and it really isn't as bad as I had once made it out to be. In fact its pretty cool. This thing really does sort of sum it up. So here comes the forward...

When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions like, "Do you have any cows?" "Do you have horses?" "Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?"

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is.

In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is some little bit of Texas in everyone.

Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why?
Because there's no place like Texas.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing
thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the
chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for their freedom. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Crockett and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.

Texas is "Juneteenth" and Texas Independence Day.

Texas is huge! Nearly nine hundred miles of Piney Wood forests (like the Davy Crockett National Forest), breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend, unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas
Hill Country contrasted by a sprawling desert a couple of hours to the west. Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas. Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.

Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico.

Texas is the original Six Flags (Over Texas!).

Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in
Arlington and the Astrodome.

Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, George H. W.Bush, and Lyndon B. Johnson. And let's not forget Meatloaf, Pantera, Bowling for Soup(come on, you know it makes you simle when you hear "come back to Texas" on the radio and think that kids in freaking Arkansas or somewhere are listening to that lyric too!), Lance Armstrong, George Strait, and Pat Green.

Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments and Compaq. And LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE,! Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter.

Texas is NASA.

Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.

Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field.

Texans have pride like none other.

Texas is hundreds of deer running around neighborhoods and fields.

Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer.

Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the Night In Old San Antonio River Parade at fiesta time in San Antonio. And what about the 2006 National Champions, the University of TEXAS Longhorns? Or the three time NBA champions, the San Antonio Spurs?

Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.

If it isn't in Texas, you probably don't need it.

Everything's bigger in Texas! Forget about a 2 liter of soda, its a 3 or nothing.

Where else does a statewide litering campaign become the world-wide slogan for your state. Most people don't even know that thats were the "don't mess with Texas" thing came from.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its
flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why? Because it is the only state that was a republic before it became a state.

Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We included these things as part of the deal when we came on.

Texas even has its own power grid!!

Not to mention the live music capitol of the world is Austin, and in case you didn't catch it the first time, UT Longhorns are the National Champions.

If you are a REAL TEXAN you won't even need to be told to pass this on.

To be cool or not to be cool, does it really matter

So I run the nursery at our church (www.destinychurch.cc) with my husband, Ryan, helping me. We go in there every other Wednesday-night-service as average little worker bees. But that leaves us with the other Wednesday nights free. Our church doesn't have regular service that night. Instead, its different little Bible classes that begin and end. So we don't go to them because if we did we'd only ever get half a class.

Well what we've found is that the youth group, high-school with some lingering college kids, has a rockin' little service that same night. Since its a regular sevice we don't have to worry much about not being there every other week. But then there's the issue that we aren't high-school or even college age anymore. We're nearly thirty! EEEKKK!!! I don't think when I was their age I could even imagine myself in this phase of life.

So we may or may not start going and perhaps try and help out. Which is what the old people do who go to youth groups, right? We just appreciate the youth pastor and his messages, his name is Matt Bell by the way (www.myspace.com/mutematt). But that is really not what this is about.

The thing is is being around these kids, alot of whom are workers in my nursery, makes me feel OLD! It reminds me of a simpsons quote. You may remember the episode when Homer joins a freak show taking cannonballs in the gut at lollapalosa in order to proof he's still, cool. The episode starts out with him having these revelations through his kids that he's no longer "with it." So he flashes back to him being a teenager and talking to his dad. Homer and Barney are getting ready for a night on the town, listening to some kind of 70's southern rock when Grandpa Simpson busts in and wants to know what they're listening to. The general consensus between Homer and Barney is that he's just not "with it." To which grandpa Simpson responds,...

"I use to be 'with it.' But then they changed what 'it' was and now what 'it' is is weird and scary. And it'll happen to you too!"

Well grandpa Simpson, I'm with you. Isaac, my son, may not be a teenager yet, but through these youth kids I'm seeing a world of change in popular culture that just sort of passed me by. I'm left at a bus stop where the bus to cool new things just drives on with out me and I'm left wondering...

"But I thought I was cool?"

I supose that popular culture was never really my bag anyway. My thing was more in the line of sub-culture. But I still feel aged and out of it. What to do...

In the grand scheme of things I guess the blessing of this transition is that I no longer really care about being "cool." Well maybe a little, or else why would I write any of this. Over all however it just doesn't matter to me like it use to, when I was their age. That, to me, is a big relief.

As a teenager I remember having this huge drive to discover my identity. Unfortunately I was no longer looking towards anything Christian related. I tryed on several little groups and they didn't really fit me for long. I was temporarily a metal-head, goth, and punk. Finally the hippy thing came around. It wasn't really the track I was running in but it worked. The hippy kids I was around were a great little family too.

Even now, years later and world's of water under the proverbial bridge, I still can fit into that little hippy mold that I had put myself in. Perhaps I'm not spinning in place under a bridge in some far off parking lot, listening to a space jam spilling out from a nearby arena, but I'm still me. I still like granola, birkenstocks, organic food, tie-dyes, camp fires, and drum jams. It's just not the only thing in my life that defines me anymore.

I've moved on, grown up, and taken another road through life. Hopefully I still have something to offer a younger generation looking to be "cool" by some identity they've discovered all their own. So much changes. You don't believe it when you're trodding through those peter pan moments of your teen years, every moment feels eternal and precious. "Thirty," is a dirty word and a far off planet that you don't ever think of moving to one day. But it happens.

Hopefully when they do move off to that place far away from Neverland, they can look back at where they've been and gain wisdom from the mistakes they made along the way. Hopefully they're already investing into their eternity and not just living for the moment. Hopefully I can still be able to relate to them, even when I'm truly a dinosaur.

Blogging, the internet, websites, and geek husbands resistant to change

So I've been very resistant to this blog stuff. I still don't think anyone will ever care enough to really read this but oh well I'm gonna try it out. My computer savvy/geek husband insists that I'll love the blog thing and wants to set me up a blog on our real website (http://www.autumnandryan.com/index.html). He jokingly says that I'm "cheating" on our website with this myspace (obviously written for my myspace blog originally) thing. He's the computer programmer but I'm the one who manages our site, through his tutelage of course. Well when he sits down and writes the code for me to have a real blog then I'll use his. Until then I'll occasionally have a verbal vomit on this little thing. Ryan, that's my husband, thinks this whole myspace thing is just another internet fad like geocities and others who've gone before it. Well he's more than likely right. But I'll tap into it, at least for nothing else but to have a front door to our real website. Which, by the way, I've spent years building. So maybe I am cheating on it a little. It really needs a face lift right now. I love it anyway. It is the witness of our lives and has a wealth of pictures and information about us and who we are. If you really do care, go and see it. Otherwise we can have a superficial acquaintance here on this myspace thing. I'm fine with that too.