Ships to Mexico and Planes to Europe

As I sit here typing this I'm internally swaying back and forth. If you can believe it, I have sea legs. It would seem that my equilibrium, along with the rest of me, desires to be back out on the ocean. I could care less about Mexico. I'm a Navy Brat so honestly I could care less about seeing the beaches. I grew up around them. But man! I want to be back on that ocean. Awe inspiring and powerful beyond imagination. Even the enormous floating hotel/casino I was on seemed like nothing upon the Sea's great expanse. I miss going on deck and reading, praying, or even just staring. I loved it. It puts your life into its proper perspective to know how small and truly insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things. So until the land catches up with me, every time I cut a zig-zag walking across the floor, grab the side of the sink for stability, or close my eyes and feel myself gently rocking to and fro, I will remember. And though its a bit of a nuisance, I will miss it when its gone, because it means I'm that much further away from where I was.

My favorite part of the voyage, aside from time with my Mom, the Mayan history I learned, and the relaxation I enjoyed, was the crew members I met. So many people from so many places. I lived in the Philippines as a child so I had fun talking to the Filipinos, but mostly I loved all the Eastern Europeans I met. Granted I'm dying to go to Europe and I'm sure that played heavily into my prejudice, but they were awesome. So friendly and eager to talk and share themselves and their country with me.

I felt proud to be an American again as I heard about their desire to come here. To make a better life for themselves and their families. It redefined the term "American Dream" for me. What once felt like a bad word (or words) now has new meaning. The house, cars, and 2.5 kids is not the American Dream, its these people. People who come here looking for the opportunities and advantages that we Americans so often take for granted or forget about.

They struggle and work hard to try and attain what we have handed to us, so they appreciate it more. Its amazing the work ethic and drive that they can have to get what they seek. It comes as no surprise to me that 1st generation immigrants make up a significant percentage of this country's millionaires. They aren't spoiled as we can be. They don't feel that they "need" things. Things that to us feel necessary but to them are considered luxuries. So they work hard, save, and do well. That is what this country is about, its what's "good" about capitalism. The people who come here can work hard, live simply, and rise above the rest of us who live our lives on borrowed income and the feeling that we "deserve" something we haven't earned yet. Getting to know them was refreshing.

All that said, as visions of Ellis island and the words, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free," run through your mind I have to say it makes me want to move to Europe all the more. I feel that part of appreciating anything about this country is living apart from it. I want to give myself and my children perspective. I want them to know the world at large so they can have a global mindset and not feel isolated by the American Imperialism that I grew up with and struggle to overcome in my own life and thinking. So as I overcome my sea legs and miss being aboard a ship surrounded by an ocean and 56 different nationalities of people, I make plans. I look up plane tickets to another continent. One yet to be visited by me. My darling Europe.

I feel a grief and sadness for it. Its like being homesick for some place I've never even been. I have felt this before, for California and San Francisco. Before I'd ever laid eyes on the place I had the same longing to go there. Now that I have, and lived there twice, my feelings for the city by the bay remain just as strong and loving as before I'd lived there, only now they have the history to justify them. This gives me hope. Hope that I may say the same for Europe some day. Years after going there and living there I can recall these emotions I'm having now and remember that they were a premonition of things to come, a driving force within my heart and soul to bring me there. May it be so!

Now though I've expanded my European views to include the Eastern bits. Something I hadn't considered before but now seem to me a part of the whole. I hope to see Serbia, Romania, and Macedonia. To learn and be apart of the intense history of those places as well. I'd love to travel to this little known corner of the world and walk the streets of countries most Americans have never heard of (that is unless we had meddled in a war there before and heard about it that way). But there is so much more to those places. Places that once had Empires, early writing systems, and a history all there own that pre-dates ours 1000s of years. Castles and first century churches with paintings of Christ done by someone who might have actually laid eyes on him. As a country we are so young and so proud. Perhaps our youth is what makes us so proud. Like a teenager who thinks they know everything, we baulk at the wisdom of older places that can actually say, "been there, done that." Our history is a speck upon their time-lines yet we feel so superior to them. How can it be?

Special thanks and shout-outs to Hari from Macedonia, Alex from Romania, Nicolae from Romania, Aleksandra from Serbia, and Wieny from the Philippines.

80's Kid, 90's Teen, Currently... Feeling Older

So last Friday, March 2, I turned 29. Pretty crazy. I'll be 30 soon. I've been 20-something for so long its hard to imagine that I soon won't be. I will admit though, this year more than any other, I really felt myself becoming more of a "grown-up." Ew! I suppose having a kid will age you more than time alone. I know people well in there 30's that seem a lot hipper and younger than me. More and more I feel myself slipping away from what's current and cool. I guess that I never was truly current. The hip-culture of my youth was never what was deemed mainstream anyway, unless you live in Northern California.

I must say there is a kind-of relief in slipping away from youth. You don't have to try as hard or keep up as much. You can just give in and say, "yep, I'm old, so sorry, I no longer 'get it.'" You can dig in to your hard found identity and surrender to who you've come to know yourself to be and not worry about any of that anymore. After almost 30 years of life I really know who I am. That is not something you can have when you are younger. You may think you know but you soon find out you were wrong. I don't claim to have it all figured out or even to say that I won't change anymore in this life, just that I am now who I once tried to find. That's a very comforting and good thing to take hold of.

So in response to this banner-year-birthday, I'm making my own, "you know your an 80s/90s kid if," lists. None of the ones I've ever seen really describe me or what I remember from growing up in the 80s and 90s. So this one is all mine. Born in 1978 I really remember both those decades, each in its own age-appropriate way.

You were an 80s kid if...

You can remember going to the theater to watch the "Ewok Movie," you didn't call it Star Wars yet.

You had a metal lunch box that was tossed aside at some point for a plastic one, and now you wished you had kept the old ones ($$$$)

Your lunch box characters may have included but weren't limited too... bike riding aliens, country girls in blue calico hoods whose face was never actually seen, guys wielding light sabers and a girl with buns in her hair, rednecks driving an orange beater with a number on the side, treasure hunting kids from Oregon, and of course brown fuzzy bear-like creatures from the redwoods.

Your Saturday morning TV line-up included at one point or another, smurfs, snorks, gummy bears, garfield, Mr. T, GI Joe, Spiderman, Mask, Thunder Cats, My little Pony, Rainbow Bright, and The REAL strawberry shortcake (not this modern-day wanna-be).

Computer animation looked STUPID, and you could never imagine it being a full run cartoon.

The only kid channel to watch on weekday TV was PBS, and later, if you were lucky enough to have cable, nickelodeon, with shows that included 3-2-1 contact, Mr Rogers, Sesame Street, Mr. Wizard, You Can't Do That on Television, and Double Dare.

You remember MTV without reality programming and commercials, in fact you remember exactly when it first came out.

Michael Jackson was cool and not freaky-weird

Madonna, Cindi Lauper, and Prince were top of the pops.

You went to an ATARI store and had your parents tell you how great the graphics were compared to some strange game named, "pong."

Arcades were fun and everywhere

Nintendo and Sega were the coolest game systems ever.

Only rich people owned computers and cell phones.

You had a feather hair-cut, rat-tail, and/or mullet, and thought that it looked GOOD!

You wore jeans so tight you couldn't eat.

Every top in your closet was a random T-shirt.

You had at least 2 pair of "jellies" and wanted more.

You remember when televangelists were still to be trusted.

You wore an armful of plastic/rubber bracelets and knew how to weave them together to look cool.

You had or new someone that sported leg warmers

You never thought tapes would completely take down records and had NO idea what a CD was.

You paid near a $1000 for a VCR and a $100 for a VHS tape. And you remember that poor kid who had a Beta.

Your home movie camera weighed about 20 pounds and your camera was either a polaroid or 110 film.

You KNEW that Delorions were the cars of the future

You spent most of your childhood waiting for the sequel to the movie that made Delorions popular.

You recognize the phrase, "I ain't afraid of no ghost."

Michael J Fox's real name was Alex and Kirk Cameron's picture was hanging on you or your sister's wall. You REALLY wanted to be that kid on Silver Spoons and weren't sure what was so different about "Different Strokes."

You remember your parents watching Dallas, Falcon Crest, and Dynasty.

Saturday Night Live was actually funny

You wanted your last name to be "Cosby"

You never could figure out why your mom thought Tom Selleck was so hot. But you really wanted a pair of fighter pilot sunglasses.

You can name every member of the Brat Pack but would be hard pressed to name the Rat Pack

It was still ok for food to be laden with chemicals, and organic only meant that something was naturally occuring

Your parents gave you a credit card to teach you money and every other movie was about wall street or getting some high paying corporate job.

You thought 70's fashion was the most hideous thing ever and never could imagine it coming back into style.

Music wasn't good unless it was electronic.

You remember the Berlin Wall falling, the challenger exploding, and Russia being the all time evil nemesis to the US.

But hey! You didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the worlds been turning.

You had to either memorize or write down phone numbers.




You were a 90's kid/teen if....

You thought call waiting was the heighth of telecommunications, that is until you got caller ID. But cell phones were still for rich people.

You remember the first time you learned how to use a remote and got a cordless phone.

Will Smith was a recording artist and later a TV star.

Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Belinda Carlisle, and New Kids on the Block were top of the pops.

Glam rock was in and for a moment in time big hair, full make-up, and spandex was considered sexy on a guy, even a fully heterosexual male.

Rap was strange and new

If you were a girl, you had long hair with bangs, the back of your hair mattered very little, but your bangs needed to be perfectly shaped like a satelite dish.

Aqua-net was your best friend and recieved a lot of financial support from you.

You had a slap bracelet

You thought 70s fashion was awesome

You remember watching the very first Real World and loving it.

Jim Carey and Jennifer Lopez were on In Living Color

You did the electric slide and the spider at your school dance

You had a fluorscent T-shirt that changed colors with temperatures

You read the Babysitters club

Christian Slater was hotter than Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt who?

You watched B-flicks on USA up all night and remember watching a slasher movie called Cutting Class with some really cute kid named Bradd Pitt as the lead.

Leonardo DiCaprio was some kid from a giant earth worm movie

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were hot

You know what Mystery Science Theater 3000 is

Your parents were seriously in debt from the 80s

You remember being horrified the first time you heard about a school killing and couldn't imagine that ever happening.

You remember when River Phoenix and Curt Cobain died. Oh yeah and that guy from Blind Melon too.

Michael Jackson was becoming weird but still putting out records. His sister however was doing great.

Paula Abdul wasn't a TV show judge

You thought that alternative would never be mainstream

You watched headbangers ball and 120 minutes

You wanted to live in Seattle

You tried a micro-brewed beer and wondered how Budweiser could possibly stay in business after that

You know these movie quotes,

"I got paid in puke! Lick it up baby! Lick it up!" (Heathers)

"Jam me, jack me, push me, pull me, TALK HARD!"(Pump up the Volume)

"As you wish..." "do you have 6 fingers on your right hand?"(Princess Bride)

You wanted to dance in a convience store to "My Sharona"

You know who Lisa Lobe and the 4 non-blondes are.

You remember rip-roaring music controversies such as,
Green Jello/Jelly's name dispute
Milli Vanilli's lip synching
Vanilla Ice's unallowed sampling of a Bowie riff
Madonna's infamous SEX book

You were too sexy for your shirt, so sexy it hurt

You wanted to play bass just like Primus or Flea

You remember the first time some one got a body piercing and thinking it was SO weird, then everyone you knew got their belly button pierced.

You remember the first time you used the internet and wondered if it would ever take off.

All email forwards were believed and trusted.

You remember the dot com boom and bust.

You had a hard time identifying your generation with anything in particular, then you got labeled, "X"

I'm 10 years old!

I can't hardly believe it! 10 years can go by in a blink and you barely notice. You stop and assess things and realize, "Wow! A lot has happened." But to look back on the time just really makes it seem short and unreal. 10 years ago I was in a totally different place. I was in Hell, basically. On this day, October 9th, 1996, I wrote in a journal about my life-changing decision to follow Christ.
I don't know the exact date it all went down. I was a travelling foot-loose hippie. There were no schedules, no watches, no rules. But there was a journal. That was the one thing I'd ask a date for. The journal talks about it happening sometime within that week during a Bible study. So I'll just celebrate today as the day. I'm not going to tell you all of it. I do want to reflect about what these 10 years have meant to me.

When I first felt the sensation of peace that came from accepting Christ I thought it was a temporal thing, like so much else had been. It wasn't though. God gave me peace on that day and it has never left me. I didn't get a gold paved road through life, anything but. The difference isn't that life as a Christian is "easy." The difference is that, though life is difficult, Christian or otherwise, I now have something I never had before. I have a supernatural force that's driving inside of me. It's a passion, a hope, a calling, an identity, a crutch sometimes, wings at other times, but its always a peace. A peace that surpasses understanding. A peace that holds me up in the pits of hell and hard times and says, "don't worry, this too shall pass." It is an undying devotion that comes from me and through me, the whole time being from somewhere else far beyond my natural means.
The Bible explains the Holy Spirit as wind. Though you can't see it, its ever present blowing all around you. You feel it, touch it, smell it, its real and evident, but I could never show it to someone else unless they too have ever felt the wind blow or have seen its effects. This force not only is at work around me, but through the atonement of Jesus' sacrifice and the power of His ressurection, I've been cleansed of my imperfections so that it can work in me. Guiding and aiding me, when I let it, to lead a better life. Not only for myself but for those lives that I'm so priviledged to be apart of. You included.

Christians aren't always out on mission fields trying to change a culture. They're trying to change a heart, or should be anyway. I hope that, with my life, I might be able to share with others this life changing power that I have only found in Jesus. This is why Christians seem exclusive. We are. We have what we could not find anyplace else through any other religon. We should share this, not to have an "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude, but because we want others to feel the wind blow.

My name is Autumn, although technically I was born in March. My mother liked the name. I like it too. It suits me. I've always felt described and owned to it. Perhaps that name was prophetically spoken through my mother. Not as something to call me when she needed my attention, but as a constant prophecy as to when my true birth would come. As it did in an Autumn 10 years ago.
So this season, where ever you are and however it is presented in your climate's expressions of fall, things will be changing. Preparing for the death of winter, leads us again into the rebirth of spring. So be reminded, as you see these changes, of the Autumn who you know and how she died once, long ago, only to be born a fresh and now has come to live, even 10 years down the road.

I am Superwoman!

Ok, so we got Isaac one of those wooden fort/playset things for his birthday. The box says, "build and play in a day." So we get the lumber and work out a plan to keep Isaac away from the construction site before his party on Sunday, that way its a surprise. Well the "day" in "build and play" turned into weeks. The construction team that we assembled, made up of family members, couldn't quite get it going in that time frame. In fact they all missed hanging out at Isaac's party just to try and get this thing assembled by the end of it, which never happened.

So here this thing sits half completeled in our backyard and me getting impatient. Every weekend brings other dilemas and things that take precedence and nothing happens to this poor playset. So I devise a plan. I'll have my brother and step-dad come and finish it during the week, especially since we're going to South Padre this weekend for the Fourth and yet again nothing would be done to the thing for another two weeks. All seems well since they too need assistance, networking their home computers and my husband being a computer geek, can exchange services.

Well it would seem that complications would again arise and my kid's playset seems fated by the powers-that-be not to be erected. My brother did however rise to the occasion. So he and I worked most the day and got the thing done! Praise God! But here's the whammy.

On top of assisting him in this undertaking, I also managed to do 4 loads of laundry (and put all of it away), tend to the entertainment and refereeing of two two-year-olds (my son and niece), fix breakfast and lunch for us all, wash and put away two loads of dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum (the whole house), get my kid in bed for his nap, and had all this done before the naps so that I too could rest before Ryan got home at 6:30p and then we headed out the door for a class we've been taking.

My major undertaking had two effects. One was that of tremendous pride in being a super-mega-mom and two was a major migraine that was only half-way taken care of by the ingesting of migraine pills and caffeine. All the same my kid has a playfort/slide/swingset/rockwall-thing and I have the satisfaction of knowing that I can really rock it if I need to.

After all who knows what adventures tomorrow may bring for mega-mom. Because I still need to pack, go to the zoo for a playdate with a friend, more laundry, and so it goes. Stay at home moms have a pretty big job and how the single parents deal with it.... I have NO idea!

Mourning someone you don't know

I'm feeling a bit lost these days about something. You see, this teenage girl at our church just died. She had been sick for a couple of years with a brain tumor. I never met her but Ryan and I prayed for her alot. I don't know what I was expecting. Our church has always been full of these stories about miraculous healings. Once someone even said the church had an annointing to heal cancer. So I guess I expected that she would be healed. After all, people survive cancer all the time.

In fact one of my best-friends, Sandy, is a 10 year survivor. I talked to her about it to get an insight from someone who's been through it. She said that she has struggled with guilt from being a "survivor." She knew a lady in the hospital when she was undergoing treatments that had the same thing. This lady had a 6 year-old child and didn't make it. Why her? So I ask, "why Courtney?" This teenage kid with so many years that should have been ahead of her. I don't know.

As a parent I always think, "what if that was my kid?" Who cares if it were me, but what if it was Isaac? Here I barely get to know him and then I'd never see him become a man or have kids of his own. How unfair that would be! How pointless! How tragic! How can anyone endure it?... Why do parents torcher themselves with questions like these?

So Sunday we're in church and the preachers wife is telling a story of this time of healing and I felt angry. I struggled listening to this story knowing that for one person that healing never came. I cried and felt mad at God. Why the child in that story and not the one in this other. How, why? Arghhh!!!

Then later during a worship song God gave me an answer. I had it all flipped around in my thinking. Those that know Him, and pass on to be with Him, aren't on the losing side. Especially after years of struggle and pain. They enter into rest and peace while we, the living, have to continue on in the struggle and pain of life. Those that have gone on before us look down and pity us. It shouldn't be the other way around, even though it is. We are left here to work while their job on Earth is done.

That said, I still struggle with the passing of this young girl. My heart goes out to her friends, family, and especially her parents. That loss would be unbearable for me. Thankfully they and I have a God who can bear all these things. We also have His Son who has borne more pain and suffering than any of us will ever know. May everyone reading this find that kind of strength and comfort.

Celebrating Easter Eve

So its the day before Easter and I'm wearing black. Tomorrow I'll wear colorful spring fashions but today, its black. I suppose that if I were in Jerusalem 1,970 years ago this is what I'd be wearing, at least in my heart since I don't know the mourning customs of that time and place. It would feel hopeless. The guy I had just pinned all my hopes on for salvation would be dead. He'd be lying in a tomb somewhere ready for embalming. The spiritual movement I was a part of now seems over and pointless. Fortunately it didn't end there.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to church wearing bright colors and celebrating. Why? Because Jesus didn't just sit in a tomb and rot. If that was the end of the story my whole religion wouldn't have that much going for it. My key "prophet" would have died like all the other leaders that started every other religion out there. But He didn't he rose again!

Jesus died to atone for our sins and I'd never detract from that. But I don't like wearing crucifixes or crosses. For me that's not what its about, the story didn't end there. He rose from the dead! Praise God that Jesus died for my sins, but I'm not gonna leave him up there on that cross. He's alive and seated at the right hand of the Father and through that ressurection power, and my commitment to Him, I have life everlasting. I have the same God living in me that rose Himself from the dead. Therefore I am empowered to live my life in a positive and Holy way. That's something I never could have done on my own, I know because I tried.

So Happy Easter Everybody! Remember what its about.

Don't mess with TEXAS

Ok I didn't write this it was an email forward from a friend but it really sums up the place where I live. I have added a few things. It's funny, I never wanted to live here. If you told me 10 years ago that I'd be living in Texas for the majority of that time I'd have thought you were crazy. But here I am, and it really isn't as bad as I had once made it out to be. In fact its pretty cool. This thing really does sort of sum it up. So here comes the forward...

When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions like, "Do you have any cows?" "Do you have horses?" "Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?"

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is.

In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is some little bit of Texas in everyone.

Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why?
Because there's no place like Texas.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing
thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the
chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for their freedom. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Crockett and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.

Texas is "Juneteenth" and Texas Independence Day.

Texas is huge! Nearly nine hundred miles of Piney Wood forests (like the Davy Crockett National Forest), breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend, unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas
Hill Country contrasted by a sprawling desert a couple of hours to the west. Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas. Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.

Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico.

Texas is the original Six Flags (Over Texas!).

Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in
Arlington and the Astrodome.

Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, George H. W.Bush, and Lyndon B. Johnson. And let's not forget Meatloaf, Pantera, Bowling for Soup(come on, you know it makes you simle when you hear "come back to Texas" on the radio and think that kids in freaking Arkansas or somewhere are listening to that lyric too!), Lance Armstrong, George Strait, and Pat Green.

Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments and Compaq. And LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE,! Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter.

Texas is NASA.

Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.

Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field.

Texans have pride like none other.

Texas is hundreds of deer running around neighborhoods and fields.

Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer.

Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the Night In Old San Antonio River Parade at fiesta time in San Antonio. And what about the 2006 National Champions, the University of TEXAS Longhorns? Or the three time NBA champions, the San Antonio Spurs?

Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.

If it isn't in Texas, you probably don't need it.

Everything's bigger in Texas! Forget about a 2 liter of soda, its a 3 or nothing.

Where else does a statewide litering campaign become the world-wide slogan for your state. Most people don't even know that thats were the "don't mess with Texas" thing came from.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its
flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why? Because it is the only state that was a republic before it became a state.

Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We included these things as part of the deal when we came on.

Texas even has its own power grid!!

Not to mention the live music capitol of the world is Austin, and in case you didn't catch it the first time, UT Longhorns are the National Champions.

If you are a REAL TEXAN you won't even need to be told to pass this on.

To be cool or not to be cool, does it really matter

So I run the nursery at our church (www.destinychurch.cc) with my husband, Ryan, helping me. We go in there every other Wednesday-night-service as average little worker bees. But that leaves us with the other Wednesday nights free. Our church doesn't have regular service that night. Instead, its different little Bible classes that begin and end. So we don't go to them because if we did we'd only ever get half a class.

Well what we've found is that the youth group, high-school with some lingering college kids, has a rockin' little service that same night. Since its a regular sevice we don't have to worry much about not being there every other week. But then there's the issue that we aren't high-school or even college age anymore. We're nearly thirty! EEEKKK!!! I don't think when I was their age I could even imagine myself in this phase of life.

So we may or may not start going and perhaps try and help out. Which is what the old people do who go to youth groups, right? We just appreciate the youth pastor and his messages, his name is Matt Bell by the way (www.myspace.com/mutematt). But that is really not what this is about.

The thing is is being around these kids, alot of whom are workers in my nursery, makes me feel OLD! It reminds me of a simpsons quote. You may remember the episode when Homer joins a freak show taking cannonballs in the gut at lollapalosa in order to proof he's still, cool. The episode starts out with him having these revelations through his kids that he's no longer "with it." So he flashes back to him being a teenager and talking to his dad. Homer and Barney are getting ready for a night on the town, listening to some kind of 70's southern rock when Grandpa Simpson busts in and wants to know what they're listening to. The general consensus between Homer and Barney is that he's just not "with it." To which grandpa Simpson responds,...

"I use to be 'with it.' But then they changed what 'it' was and now what 'it' is is weird and scary. And it'll happen to you too!"

Well grandpa Simpson, I'm with you. Isaac, my son, may not be a teenager yet, but through these youth kids I'm seeing a world of change in popular culture that just sort of passed me by. I'm left at a bus stop where the bus to cool new things just drives on with out me and I'm left wondering...

"But I thought I was cool?"

I supose that popular culture was never really my bag anyway. My thing was more in the line of sub-culture. But I still feel aged and out of it. What to do...

In the grand scheme of things I guess the blessing of this transition is that I no longer really care about being "cool." Well maybe a little, or else why would I write any of this. Over all however it just doesn't matter to me like it use to, when I was their age. That, to me, is a big relief.

As a teenager I remember having this huge drive to discover my identity. Unfortunately I was no longer looking towards anything Christian related. I tryed on several little groups and they didn't really fit me for long. I was temporarily a metal-head, goth, and punk. Finally the hippy thing came around. It wasn't really the track I was running in but it worked. The hippy kids I was around were a great little family too.

Even now, years later and world's of water under the proverbial bridge, I still can fit into that little hippy mold that I had put myself in. Perhaps I'm not spinning in place under a bridge in some far off parking lot, listening to a space jam spilling out from a nearby arena, but I'm still me. I still like granola, birkenstocks, organic food, tie-dyes, camp fires, and drum jams. It's just not the only thing in my life that defines me anymore.

I've moved on, grown up, and taken another road through life. Hopefully I still have something to offer a younger generation looking to be "cool" by some identity they've discovered all their own. So much changes. You don't believe it when you're trodding through those peter pan moments of your teen years, every moment feels eternal and precious. "Thirty," is a dirty word and a far off planet that you don't ever think of moving to one day. But it happens.

Hopefully when they do move off to that place far away from Neverland, they can look back at where they've been and gain wisdom from the mistakes they made along the way. Hopefully they're already investing into their eternity and not just living for the moment. Hopefully I can still be able to relate to them, even when I'm truly a dinosaur.

Blogging, the internet, websites, and geek husbands resistant to change

So I've been very resistant to this blog stuff. I still don't think anyone will ever care enough to really read this but oh well I'm gonna try it out. My computer savvy/geek husband insists that I'll love the blog thing and wants to set me up a blog on our real website (http://www.autumnandryan.com/index.html). He jokingly says that I'm "cheating" on our website with this myspace (obviously written for my myspace blog originally) thing. He's the computer programmer but I'm the one who manages our site, through his tutelage of course. Well when he sits down and writes the code for me to have a real blog then I'll use his. Until then I'll occasionally have a verbal vomit on this little thing. Ryan, that's my husband, thinks this whole myspace thing is just another internet fad like geocities and others who've gone before it. Well he's more than likely right. But I'll tap into it, at least for nothing else but to have a front door to our real website. Which, by the way, I've spent years building. So maybe I am cheating on it a little. It really needs a face lift right now. I love it anyway. It is the witness of our lives and has a wealth of pictures and information about us and who we are. If you really do care, go and see it. Otherwise we can have a superficial acquaintance here on this myspace thing. I'm fine with that too.